the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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