5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
