my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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