You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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