see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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