So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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