i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
