your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i came on her dog
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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