she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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