I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
