ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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