ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
