be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
