nut hugger
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
