ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just had sex on a roof
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
