You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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