"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
