East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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