2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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