mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
not ubering you a puppy
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
