I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
