I just threw up on my dentist
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
