I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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