yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
