Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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