It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
