We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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