Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
