How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
