We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
