Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
