There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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