eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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