Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
