oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
