I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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