I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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