this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
