I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
