Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
