i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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