i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
