I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
