please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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