remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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