sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
