i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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