A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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