i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
