i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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