There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
