I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
